


Alternative Solutions

by Nomad (nomadicwriter)



Category: West Wing - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-05-12
Updated: 2002-05-12
Packaged: 2017-10-05 18:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomadicwriter/pseuds/Nomad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An anonymous quote causes a stir, the president tries to apologise to his wife, and Sam faces a day of embarrassment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternative Solutions

**Spoilers**: A few facts from "ITSOTG2"  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own these characters; I am not Aaron Sorkin. Although, just for today, I'm pretending to be.  
**Author's Note**: I'm up to my ears in transcripts for various reasons at the moment, and that inspired me to try my hand at writing a little West Wing script myself.

* * *

TEASER:

**CJ**  
Arrogant jackass!

FADE IN  
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR  
_CJ walking_.

**CJ**  
Swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed and arrogant jackass!

_JOSH enters._

**JOSH**  
Wow. That's... some anger you're working off there, Claudia Jean.

**CJ**  
I'll say.

_She thrusts a piece of paper into his hands. He reads it as they walk._

**JOSH**  
One of our guys said this?

**CJ**  
They did.

**JOSH**  
In response to...?

**CJ**  
The thing about Leo.

**JOSH**  
The thing about Leo?

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**JOSH**  
So this guy Kolberg totally trashes Leo, and one of our guys calls him a... swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed jackass?

**CJ**  
Also arrogant.

**JOSH**  
And we care about this because...?

**CJ**  
We don't.

**JOSH**  
See, that's what I thought.

**CJ**  
Except that we're the White House. And, officially, we care.

**JOSH**  
Because it's unprofessional.

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**JOSH**  
As opposed to what that guy wrote about Leo?

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**JOSH**  
So we're looking for the quotee?

**CJ**  
Not very hard.

**JOSH**  
That's what I like to hear.

_TOBY comes up from behind and joins them._

**TOBY**  
Where's Sam?

**JOSH**  
I don't know, Toby, did he slip his leash again?

**TOBY**  
He's late.

**CJ**  
It's probably traffic.

**TOBY**  
There's traffic every day, he wasn't expecting it?

**CJ**  
He'll be here, Toby. Did you see the quote?

**TOBY**  
Swollen-headed jackass?

**JOSH**  
Also pompous, bitter and ill-informed.

**CJ**  
And arrogant.

**TOBY**  
Tell the press we're investigating.

**CJ**  
I plan to, Toby.

**TOBY**  
Are we?

**CJ**  
Not very hard.

**TOBY**  
Sam needs to be here half an hour ago. I have a twenty-seven page proposal.

**CJ**  
Of marriage?

**TOBY**  
Twenty-seven pages, CJ! I need it down to three.

**JOSH**  
Couldn't you just photocopy it really small?

**CJ**  
Why are you making Sam summarise it?

**TOBY**  
He needs to learn about the importance of brevity. [_Glances at his watch._] Also punctuality. [_Shouts_] Ginger!

_TOBY peels off in the direction of communications. JOSH looks at CJ._

**JOSH**  
One of our guys really said that?

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**JOSH** [_Grinning_]  
Cool.

_CJ walks away as we follow JOSH into-_

INT. JOSH'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)  
_DONNA follows him in._

**DONNA**  
Josh, you've got a thing.

**JOSH** [_Rummaging at his desk_]  
I have many things, Donna.

**DONNA**  
A meeting.

_She hands him a folder, with a sticky note attached. JOSH peers at it._

**JOSH**  
I have a meeting with 'with'?

**DONNA**  
You have a meeting with WITS.

**JOSH**  
That's an 's'?

**DONNA**  
It's perfectly clear.

**JOSH**  
Apart from the part where it looks like an 'h'.

**DONNA**  
To people who can't read.

**JOSH**  
Donna, who or what are WITS?

**DONNA**  
Something you're obviously lacking in this morning.

**JOSH**  
Donna.

**DONNA**  
Women in Technology and Science.

**JOSH**  
I have a meeting with Women in Technology and Science?

**DONNA**  
Yes.

**JOSH**  
All of them?

**DONNA**  
Maybe just a sample selection.

**JOSH**  
What do they want to talk to me about?

**DONNA**  
It's all in the folder, Josh.

**JOSH**  
Yes, but that would involve me caring enough to open it.

**DONNA**  
Josh.

**JOSH**  
Donna, what do they want?

**DONNA**  
Money.

**JOSH**  
From me?

**DONNA**  
From the government.

**JOSH**  
To do what?

**DONNA**  
To encourage more women to go into science and technology careers.

**JOSH**  
Why does that take money?

**DONNA**  
Lots of women in America, Josh.

**JOSH**  
Yes. And none of them are me. Send them to somebody else.

**DONNA**  
Josh.

**JOSH**  
Donna, I have important things to do this morning.

**DONNA**  
This is important.

**JOSH**  
You're doing the face again.

**DONNA**  
What face?

**JOSH**  
That face.

**DONNA**  
This is my 'this is important' face.

**JOSH**  
Well, it's not working.

**DONNA**  
Josh.

**JOSH**  
Donna, I have... things. To do. This Hawkman thing is still up in the air, I have to deal with that. And frankly, any meeting that involves me and a bunch of women with a mission that I don't want to talk to is not going to end well.

**DONNA**  
This is true.

**JOSH**  
Have somebody else take the meeting.

**DONNA**  
There's nobody else.

**JOSH**  
I'll talk to Leo.

_He turns to go._

**DONNA** [_Calling after him_]  
Women in technology are our future, Josh!

**JOSH** [_Calling back_]  
Your future, Donna, I'm not having a sex change.

CUT TO:  
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN (CONTINUOUS)  
_We see a lot of people looking at JOSH. He blinks at them for a moment._

**JOSH** [_To the room_]  
I'm really not.

_He hurries away._

END TEASER.

SMASH CUT TO:  
MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:  
INT. LEO'S OFFICE  
_LEO is at his desk. JOSH, CJ and TOBY stand in front of him._

**LEO** [_Not looking up from his work_]  
Josh; what's going on with Hawkman?

**JOSH**  
We're on it.

**LEO**  
Toby? Where's that proposal?

**TOBY**  
It's a mess. I'm having Sam summarise it.

_LEO finally looks up, and frowns._

**LEO**  
Where is Sam?

**JOSH**  
He's not here.

**LEO** [_Sarcastic_]  
Thanks for that.

**CJ**  
It's probably traffic.

**LEO**  
He's worked here how many years now, he didn't expect there to be traffic?

_CJ just shrugs._

**LEO**  
Okay. Get to work.

_TOBY leaves; both JOSH and CJ hang back._

**JOSH**  
Leo, about this WITS thing-

**LEO**  
Women in technology?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**LEO**  
Take the meeting, Josh.

_He goes back to his papers as JOSH leaves, and then registers that CJ is still there._

**LEO** [_Impatiently_]  
CJ, was there something...?

**CJ** [_Hesitantly_]  
Leo, about this quote-

**LEO** [_Dismissively_]  
I'm on it.

**CJ**  
I'm just saying, you shouldn't-

**LEO**  
CJ-

**CJ**  
-You shouldn't take it too seriously-

_LEO looks up and frowns at her._

**LEO**  
CJ, this is the White House. We take everything seriously.

**CJ**  
It was loyalty, Leo.

**LEO**  
It was amateur, CJ! We can't have our guys running their mouths off every time somebody writes something we don't like!

**CJ**  
Okay.

**LEO**  
Okay.

_CJ starts to leave; LEO calls after her._

**LEO**  
CJ.

**CJ**  
Yeah?

**LEO**  
Swollen-headed, pompous, ill-informed and arrogant jackass?

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**LEO**  
Okay.

_CJ starts to leave, then hesitates in the doorway._

**CJ**  
Leo.

**LEO**  
Yeah?

**CJ**  
You know he's all those things and more, right?

**LEO**  
Yeah.

_He goes back to his work._

CUT TO:  
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN  
_DONNA stands up as JOSH approaches, carrying the folder she gave him._

**DONNA**  
Did you speak to Leo about the meeting?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**DONNA**  
What did he say?

**JOSH**  
He said you should do it.

_He hands her the folder and walks off._

CUT TO:  
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR  
_DONNA is walking along with the folder. She sees something off-screen, stops, and frowns._

**DONNA**  
Sam?

_SAM is standing with a file folder held up so we can't see his face._

**SAM** [_Not lowering it_]  
Hi, Donna.

**DONNA**  
Uh, Sam?

**SAM**  
Yeah?

**DONNA**  
What are you doing?

**SAM** [_Innocently_]  
What?

**DONNA** [_Gesturing_]  
With the folder.

**SAM**  
Reading.

**DONNA**  
Sam, what are you hiding?

**SAM**  
It's nothing.

**DONNA**  
Sam.

**SAM**  
Really.

**DONNA** [_Pointedly_]  
Sam...

_SAM hesitates, then start to lower the folder. We cut to DONNA to see her reaction._

**DONNA**  
Wow.

CUT TO:  
INT. BEDROOM IN THE RESIDENCE  
_BARTLET is adjusting his tie in front of a mirror. ABBEY wanders in, fiddling with her earrings. _

**BARTLET** [_Not looking round_]  
Hey.

**ABBEY** [_Mildly irritated_]  
Hey yourself.

_She waits for a moment, but he doesn't turn._

**ABBEY**  
I'm off to this thing in Maryland today.

**BARTLET** [_Still fiddling with his tie_]  
Yeah.

**ABBEY**  
I'm all dressed up.

**BARTLET** [_Preoccupied_]  
Uh-huh.

_He still doesn't turn._

**ABBEY**  
I'm actually here in the room with you, Jed.

**BARTLET** [_Turning_]  
Huh?

**ABBEY**  
I have a thing. In Maryland. I'm all dressed up.

_She spreads her arms to display her outfit._

**BARTLET**  
And you look nice.

_He turns back to the mirror._

**ABBEY**  
Gee, thanks. [_After a moment_] It wouldn't kill you to take a little interest, you know.

**BARTLET** [_Facing her again_]  
Sorry. I have some important things this morning.

**ABBEY** [_Frostily_]  
Important?

**BARTLET** [_Not picking up the tone_]  
Yeah.

**ABBEY**  
As opposed to my thing?

_He pauses, midway through adjusting his jacket._

**BARTLET**  
You see what I did there?

**ABBEY**  
Share it with me, why don't you?

**BARTLET**  
I accidentally cast aspersions on the importance of your thing.

**ABBEY**  
So you did.

**BARTLET**  
And obviously, that's not something I want to be doing.

**ABBEY**  
Don't worry about it.

**BARTLET** [_Warily_]  
No?

**ABBEY**  
No. You know why?

**BARTLET**  
I suspect I'm about to be told.

**ABBEY**  
Because you're a very important man.

**BARTLET**  
Abbey-

**ABBEY**  
And obviously, you know, your things are gonna be more important than my thing. It stands to reason.

**BARTLET**  
Abbey-

**ABBEY** [_Headed for the door_]  
So I'll just quit bothering you.

**BARTLET** [_Starting to get exasperated_]  
For God's sake, Abbey, I just-

**ABBEY**  
My plane leaves in three hours. Don't bother to see me off. [_After a moment_] After all, it's not that important.

_She leaves. BARTLET stares after her for a moment._

**BARTLET** [_quietly_]  
Damn.

_He yanks the knot in his tie undone and starts to do it again._

CUT TO:  
INT. OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE  
_LEO walks up to join BARTLET as they head inside._

**LEO**  
Mr. President.

**BARTLET**  
Leo.

**LEO**  
You read the quote.

**BARTLET**  
Yeah.

CUT TO:  
INT. OVAL OFFICE (CONTINOUS)  
_BARTLET makes for his desk._

**LEO**  
We're looking for the source.

**BARTLET**  
Do we have to?

**LEO**  
It makes us look unprofessional.

**BARTLET**  
Because we tell the truth?

**LEO**  
Sir...

**BARTLET** [_Waving it away_]  
Whatever.

**LEO** [_Frowning_]  
Mr. President? You seem a little...

**BARTLET** [_Sharply_]  
A little what, Leo?

**LEO**  
Frankly, you seem a little pissed this morning.

**BARTLET**  
I can't imagine why that would be, Leo.

**LEO**  
Mr. President-

**BARTLET**  
I had an argument with my wife.

**LEO**  
What did you do?

**BARTLET**  
What makes you think I did something?

**LEO**  
Experience.

**BARTLET** [_Giving him a look_]  
I may have inadvertently suggested that my work is more important than anything she does. [_LEO winces_] Although, technically, that's true.

**LEO**  
And I'm sure it'll go down well if you point that out to her, Mr. President.

**BARTLET**  
It's my fault.

**LEO**  
Yes it is.

_BARTLET gives him a look._

**BARTLET**  
I don't take my wife for granted, Leo.

**LEO**  
Of course not.

**BARTLET**  
It's just that I'm very busy at the moment.

**LEO**  
And of course, you're sure to be getting less busy any day now.

**BARTLET**  
You know, technically I could fire your ass any time I wanted.

**LEO**  
You think you can run this country without me?

**BARTLET**  
I'm becoming increasingly willing to try.

**LEO**  
Yeah.

_BARTLET sighs and sits down at his desk._

**BARTLET**  
I have to make my wife realise I really do appreciate her.

**LEO**  
Yeah.

**BARTLET** [_Decisively_]  
You know what I need? A strategy.

**LEO**  
Or a personality transplant.

**BARTLET**  
Go away.

**LEO**  
Yes, sir.

_Smirking, he leaves the room._

CUT TO:  
INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN  
_Back view of SAM walking._

Camera pushes in on BONNIE, sitting alone in the bullpen. She looks up and her eyes widen.

Camera slowly pans around to SAM, and reveals that he is sporting a spectacular black eye.

**BONNIE** [_Beginning to grin_]  
Been in a fight, Sam?

**SAM** [_Quietly and very fast_]  
Hit myself in the face with a door, okay?

**BONNIE**  
Excuse me?

**SAM**  
I accidentally hit myself in the face with a door.

**BONNIE**  
In the face?

**SAM**  
Yes.

**BONNIE**  
With a door?

**SAM**  
Yes.

**BONNIE**  
You accidentally hit yourself in the face with a door?

**SAM**  
I did.

_He hurriedly passes her and heads towards his office. BONNIE calls after him._

**BONNIE**  
We have these things, we call them door handles-

**SAM**  
Leave me alone.

CUT TO:  
INT. SAM'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)  
_TOBY is sitting waiting for him. He looks up, and then blinks._

**TOBY**  
Sam?

**SAM**  
It was a door.

**TOBY**  
You were physically assaulted by a door?

**SAM**  
I hit myself in the face.

**TOBY**  
You tried to walk through it before it was open?

**SAM**  
It was a completely random accident that could have happened to anybody.

**TOBY**  
Only if they were you.

**SAM**  
Can we, I don't know, go back to work and never ever mention this again?

**TOBY**  
Well, the phrase 'back to work' would seem to imply that you'd actually done some work already. Which, obviously, is not the case.

**SAM**  
Toby-

**TOBY** [_Nodding at a folder on the desk_]  
I've got a twenty-seven page proposal for you to summarise.

**SAM**  
Me?

**TOBY**  
You.

**SAM**  
I'm not, oh, a few hundred times too qualified?

_TOBY just looks at him, until he starts to shift uncomfortably._

**TOBY**  
I'm not sure you can be self-righteous after failing to figure out how to walk through a door.

**SAM**  
I'll go now.

_He snatches up the folder and beats a quick retreat._

**TOBY**  
Watch out for that door on your way out.

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE.

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:  
INT. OVAL OFFICE  
_BARTLET is at his desk. He looks up as CHARLIE comes in._

**BARTLET**  
Charlie! Did you clear my schedule?

**CHARLIE**  
Yes, sir, although I'm still not sure why-

**BARTLET**  
I am a man with a mission, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**  
Okay.

**BARTLET**  
My wife is mad at me.

**CHARLIE**  
Yes, sir.

**BARTLET**  
And it's all my fault.

**CHARLIE**  
If you say so, Mr. President.

**BARTLET**  
I need to make this better.

**CHARLIE**  
Yes, sir.

**BARTLET**  
I need to make my wife feel better... You know what she needs?

**CHARLIE**  
Respect and understanding?

**BARTLET**  
Chocolate brownies.

**CHARLIE**  
Chocolate brownies?

**BARTLET**  
Yes, Charlie, chocolate brownies.

**CHARLIE**  
Well, I could go order some for you, sir-

**BARTLET**  
No, Charlie, real chocolate brownies, made by my own hand.

**CHARLIE**  
By... _your_ own hand, Mr. President?

**BARTLET**  
Exactly! Come on, Charlie, let's go make us some brownies!

_He marches out excitedly, and CHARLIE stares after him for a moment._

**CHARLIE**  
Okay.

_He follows the president._

CUT TO:  
INT. JOSH'S OFFICE  
_JOSH is at his desk, talking on the phone._

**JOSH**  
Yes. Yes. I do understand that. But- Okay. Well, if you'd just let me- No, I don't think- Okay. Yes. Goodbye. [_He scowls at the phone for a moment_] Thanks for that.

_He looks up, and jumps as he sees DONNA in the doorway._

**DONNA** [_Amused_]  
Using the phone without me?

**JOSH**  
I did all my own dialling, too.

**DONNA**  
Was that the Hawkman thing?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**DONNA**  
I thought you said it was in the bag?

**JOSH**  
It was.

**DONNA**  
Until...? [_She frowns_] The quote?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**DONNA**  
What's that got to do with anything?

**JOSH** [_Sarcastic_]  
Apparently it 'throws doubt on the character of this administration'.

**DONNA**  
This administration has character?

**JOSH**  
Not any more, allegedly.

**DONNA**  
Remind me again why we want this deal, anyway?

**JOSH**  
Because... because. We've been working on it a long time.

**DONNA**  
It's amazing your debating skills didn't sway the guy on the other end of that phone.

**JOSH**  
I know. How was your meeting?

**DONNA**  
We should give these people money.

**JOSH**  
We haven't got any.

**DONNA**  
You're going to spend money on the Hawkman thing.

**JOSH**  
It's an investment.

**DONNA**  
And educating women in technology subjects isn't?

**JOSH**  
Well yeah, but it doesn't bring us any tangible return.

**DONNA**  
Good will. Votes. The girls'll be grateful.

**JOSH**  
Yeah, but to WITS, not to us.

**DONNA**  
I'd've been grateful, if WITS had come to me when I was in college. I could've had a degree in Cybernetics by now.

**JOSH**  
Along with the Political Science and Government, Sociology and Psychology, Biology, French and Drama?

**DONNA**  
You remembered all my majors and minors?

**JOSH**  
I am the Memory Man.

**DONNA**  
You're really not.

**JOSH**  
You're mocking my memory?

**DONNA**  
What memory?

**JOSH**  
I have a great memory.

**DONNA**  
And you have a meeting you're supposed to be in.

**JOSH**  
I remembered that.

**DONNA**  
It started fifteen minutes ago.

_JOSH scrambles to his feet and dashes out._

**DONNA** [_Calling after him_]  
Give them the money, Josh!

CUT TO:  
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN (CONTINUOUS)  
_JOSH rushes out. He passes SAM in the corridor, then turns and stops._

**JOSH**  
Sam?

**SAM**  
Yeah?

**JOSH**  
Were you in a fight?

**SAM**  
No, I, I hit myself in the face with a door.

_JOSH smirks._

**JOSH**  
You, yourself? As in without any outside intervention?

**SAM**  
I gotta- I gotta go do a thing.

**JOSH** [_Calling after him_]  
Watch out for those doors!

_SAM scurries away and we follow JOSH through the corridors. CJ comes up to join him._

**CJ**  
Joshua.

**JOSH**  
Claudia Jean.

**CJ**  
Shouldn't you be meeting on the Hawkman proposal?

**JOSH**  
I'm on my way. Something, uh, something came up.

**CJ**  
Did you talk to the women from WITS?

**JOSH**  
Donna did it.

**CJ**  
Josh.

**JOSH** [_Defensively_]  
She wanted to do it!

**CJ**  
We should take them seriously.

**JOSH**  
We do.

**CJ**  
We're not giving them any money, are we?

**JOSH**  
We haven't got any.

**CJ**  
We're spending money on the Hawkman proposal. Which, by the way, we all know is a complete waste of-

**JOSH**  
Are you gonna be saying that in the briefing? 'Cause I gotta-

**CJ**  
No, Josh, I will defend your dumb-ass proposal to the hilt, and stand up there to proudly usher in this new era of cooperation.

**JOSH**  
Or not.

**CJ**  
Hawkman's holding out?

**JOSH**  
Apparently they're not happy with our character.

**CJ**  
Our- [_Realising_] the quote?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**CJ**  
They don't like the fact that we stick up for our own?

**JOSH**  
Apparently not.

**CJ**  
This is all we need.

**JOSH**  
Leo's ready to tear the place apart over it. He's taking it personally.

**CJ**  
He doesn't like it when our guys stick up for him.

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**CJ**  
So I'm going out there to tell the press we're working on a proposal we don't like that might not go through anyway, and tracking down the source of a quote that we're not sorry about?

**JOSH**  
You could also tell them the White House Deputy Director of Communications has trouble with walking through doors.

**CJ**  
It's a real red-letter day for the administration, isn't it?

**JOSH**  
Oh yeah.

_CJ heads off towards the briefing room and JOSH continues on his way._

CUT TO:  
INT. LEO'S OFFICE  
_SAM lingers a little sheepishly in the doorway; LEO doesn't look up._

**SAM**  
Leo?

**LEO**  
Sam.

**SAM**  
About the Hawkman thing-

**LEO**  
It's not going through.

**SAM**  
It's not?

**LEO**  
I just spoke to Josh on the phone. We're not getting it back.

**SAM**  
'Cause I was gonna say, it wasn't a very good-

**LEO**  
Yeah.

_There is a brief pause. LEO is still working and not looking up._

**SAM**  
Leo, if you find the guy-

**LEO**  
He'll be dealt with.

**SAM**  
Leo, he was only defending-

**LEO**  
We don't do that in this White House, Sam.

**SAM**  
-Only defending you from Darren Kolberg, who's a-

**LEO**  
I don't need defending, Sam, I'm a big boy now.

**SAM**  
Leo, he's a hack! We shouldn't be defending his right to free speech, we ought to be suing him for libel.

**LEO**  
This is the way we do things, Sam.

**SAM** [_Subsiding_]  
Yeah.

**LEO**  
Do this thing for Toby.

**SAM**  
The summary? Leo, that's a job for the interns!

**LEO**  
He wants you to do it.

**SAM**  
He's punishing me.

**LEO**  
Go.

**SAM**  
He's punishing me because I rewrote the D-section for the president's address last Thursday.

**LEO**  
Sam. Go.

_SAM lingers awkwardly for a minute._

**SAM** [_Blurting out_]  
I walked into a door, okay?

_He dashes off, and LEO looks up for the first time. He blinks in puzzlement._

**LEO**  
Okay.

_He goes back to his work._

CUT TO:  
INT. OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE  
_NANCY looks up in bemusement as BARTLET approaches, bearing a plate of chocolate brownies. CHARLIE follows behind with a resigned expression._

**BARTLET** [_Waving plate expansively_]  
Ah, Nancy! Smell those! Those are real, home-baked chocolate brownies!

**NANCY**  
Home-baked, Mr. President?

**BARTLET**  
Made 'em myself.

**CHARLIE**  
And I stood by with the fire extinguisher.

**BARTLET** [_Wagging a finger sternly_]  
Less of your cheek, young Charlie. Have I not proven my ability to bake beyond all reasonable doubt?

**CHARLIE**  
Well, you didn't set the kitchen on fire, Mr. President, so I'm counting it a positive experience.

**BARTLET**  
Just for that, Charlie, you will be barred from sampling the produce.

**CHARLIE**  
I thought they were for the First Lady, Mr. President?

**BARTLET**  
They are. But now I'm going to tell her not to give you any.

_He ducks into the Oval Office._

**NANCY**  
Uh, Mr. President? The First Lady's gone.

**BARTLET** [_Appearing in the doorway._]  
Gone?

**NANCY**  
She left early.

**BARTLET** [_Loudly_]  
Godammit!

**CHARLIE**  
Guess the First Lady won't be getting her chocolate brownies after all.

**BARTLET**  
You're still not having any. [_Turns to NANCY_] Nancy, get me a camera.

**NANCY**  
A... camera?

**BARTLET**  
Yes, Nancy, a camera! Use your initiative. Stop a tourist. Mug a reporter. Buy one, I don't care. But get me a camera.

_He goes back into the Oval, and NANCY and CHARLIE exchange glances._

**CHARLIE**  
I'd just humour him if I were you.

**BARTLET** [_Yelling from off-screen_]  
I heard that!

_CHARLIE rolls his eyes and NANCY leaves._

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO.

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:  
INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN  
_SAM is walking along. People smirk at him as he passes._

**PASSING STAFFER**  
Been in a fight, Sam?

**SAM**  
No, I, I walked into a door.

_He sees Ginger grinning at him._

**SAM**  
It was a door!

**GINGER**  
That's what they all say.

**SAM**  
Can't you people leave me to die in peace?

_He goes into his office._

CUT TO:  
INT. SAM'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)  
_SAM jumps as he sees TOBY._

**SAM**  
Do you live here now?

**TOBY**  
The summary, Sam.

**SAM**  
I'm too qualified!

**TOBY**  
Then it won't take you very long.

**SAM**  
This is taking me away from more important work.

**TOBY**  
Hawkman's not going through, you have no work.

**SAM**  
I could find something more useful to do.

**TOBY**  
Like learn how to walk through doors?

**SAM** [_Slumping down into his chair_]  
Give me the draft.

CUT TO:  
INT. OUTSIDE CJ'S OFFICE  
_CJ walks up to CAROL._

**CJ**  
Carol, what have I got-?

**DERRICK** [_Calling out from behind her_]  
CJ!

**CJ** [_To CAROL_]  
Reporters, following me, that's what I've got.

_CAROL gives her a sympathetic shrug._

**CJ** [_Turning on her heel_]  
Derrick.

**DERRICK**  
CJ.

**CJ**  
What can I do for you this fine and glorious afternoon?

**DERRICK**  
The quote.

**CJ** [_Rolling her eyes_]  
We're investigating it.

**DERRICK**  
I know you are.

**CJ**  
Well, then.

**DERRICK**  
I also know who said it.

_CJ looks at him for a moment, and then opens the door to her office._

**CJ**  
In.

CUT TO:  
INT. CJ'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)  
_CJ closes the door behind them and turns to face DERRICK._

**CJ**  
You know who made the quote?

**DERRICK**  
Yes.

**CJ**  
Who?

**DERRICK**  
I'm not telling.

**CJ**  
Derrick-

**DERRICK**  
You know something?

**CJ**  
Apparently you know more than I do.

**DERRICK**  
Leo McGarry's a good man.

**CJ** [_Slowly_]  
Yes he is.

**DERRICK**  
And Darren Kolberg's a disgrace to the face of journalism.

**CJ** [_Half amused_]  
You people have standards now?

**DERRICK**  
CJ.

**CJ** [_Unapologetic_]  
Sorry.

**DERRICK**  
I'm not publishing the source. [_CJ looks at him_] Leo McGarry's a good man.

**CJ**  
Yes.

**DERRICK**  
And he's not the only guy who ever found himself with a few more bottles of scotch than he really ought to need.

_They exchange a long and meaningful look. CJ breaks it first._

**CJ**  
Thank you.

**DERRICK**  
I don't like Kolberg. I don't want to follow his lead.

**CJ**  
You're a good guy.

**DERRICK**  
Just don't let it get around.

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**DERRICK**  
I just wanted to let you know. I understand. Maybe some guys wouldn't.

**CJ**  
And I appreciate it.

_DERRICK turns to go; CJ calls him back._

**CJ**  
Derrick.

**DERRICK**  
Yeah?

**CJ**  
Hawkman's. It's not going through.

**DERRICK**  
It's not?

**CJ**  
No.

**DERRICK** [_After a moment_]  
Good.

**CJ**  
Yeah.

**DERRICK**  
Okay.

**CJ**  
The source?

**DERRICK**  
I'm still not telling.

**CJ**  
Okay.

_He leaves. CJ looks thoughtful for a moment, and then smiles._

CUT TO:  
INT. LEO'S OFFICE  
_LEO is at his desk. JOSH comes in._

**LEO**  
Josh.

**JOSH**  
CJ's leaked Hawkman's to the press.

**LEO** [_Nodding_]  
Okay.

**JOSH**  
It was a bad deal anyway.

**LEO**  
Yeah.

**JOSH**  
We saved ourselves some money.

**LEO**  
We did.

**JOSH** [_After a moment_]  
I might have a thing.

_LEO looks up at him expectantly._

CUT TO:  
INT. OUTSIDE LEO'S OFFICE  
_JOSH emerges and nods at MARGARET._

**JOSH**  
Hey, Margaret.

**MARGARET**  
Hey.

_JOSH leaves, and Margaret just stands there for a moment. Then she approaches Leo's doorway._

CUT TO:  
INT. LEO'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)

**LEO**  
Margaret.

**MARGARET**  
Leo, about this source you've been looking for...

**LEO**  
Yeah?

**MARGARET**  
I realise that this is quite a sensitive subject area, and-

**LEO**  
Margaret.

**MARGARET**  
-You don't like people making statements about-

**LEO**  
Margaret.

_He gives her a look._

**LEO** [_With a long-suffering expression_]  
What is it, Margaret?

**MARGARET**  
This quote...

**LEO**  
Yes.

**MARGARET**  
It might have been me.

_LEO slowly looks up to meet her eyes._

**LEO**  
Excuse me?

**MARGARET**  
I may have said that.

**LEO**  
You may have said that Darren Kolberg is a swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed and arrogant jackass?

**MARGARET**  
Yes.

**LEO**  
To a reporter.

**MARGARET**  
To several people.

_They exchange another long look. LEO shuffles papers._

**LEO**  
Okay.

**MARGARET**  
Okay?

**LEO**  
Go. Work.

**MARGARET**  
Okay.

_MARGARET nods rapidly and scuttles off. LEO looks after her thoughtfully for a moment._

CUT TO:  
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN  
_DONNA stands up as JOSH approaches._

**JOSH**  
Hey.

**DONNA**  
Hey.

**JOSH**  
I need you to go back in there and give our answer to the people from WITS.

**DONNA**  
Josh.

**JOSH**  
Write this down.

**DONNA**  
Josh, I don't-

**JOSH**  
Get a piece of paper, Donna.

_DONNA picks up a notepad and pen and gives him a look._

**DONNA**  
The least you could do is actually talk to them yourself.

**JOSH**  
Take this down.

**DONNA**  
You know, actually give them the benefit of talking to somebody official. Instead of me. Since, obviously, nobody listens to my opinion round here.

**JOSH**  
The White House has spent some time considering the initiatives you propose-

**DONNA**  
That was nice of us.

**JOSH**  
-And after careful consideration-

**DONNA**  
You've said consideration twice now.

**JOSH**  
-We've decided to give your program the full funding that you asked for.

**DONNA**  
Well, that's just- [_She stops, and JOSH grins triumphantly at her_] You're giving them the funding?

**JOSH**  
We are.

**DONNA**  
You said we didn't have the money!

**JOSH**  
We didn't.

**DONNA**  
And we do now?

**JOSH**  
Since Hawkman's fell through.

**DONNA**  
And you're just... taking the money from that and giving it to WITS?

**JOSH** [_Grinning_]  
Yeah.

**DONNA**  
You can do that?

**JOSH**  
Leo okayed it.

**DONNA**  
You suggested it to him?

**JOSH**  
Yeah.

**DONNA**  
Why?

_JOSH smiles at her._

**JOSH**  
Because we can never have too many witty women.

_DONNA beams back. A moment later, CJ sticks her head in the door._

**CJ**  
Guys? Coming out for drinks?

**JOSH** [_Standing_]  
What's the occasion?

_CJ pauses for a moment, then smiles._

**CJ**  
Today has been... a pretty good day.

**JOSH** [_Smiling back_]  
It has, hasn't it? Come on, Donna.

_They leave._

CUT TO:  
INT. SAM'S OFFICE  
_SAM and TOBY have their heads close together as they study a document intensely._

**SAM**  
We can cut sixteen.

**TOBY**  
It needs sixteen.

**SAM**  
What about nine?

**TOBY**  
You'd only have to slip it back in somewhere else. [_He rubs his eyes_] What are we down to?

**SAM**  
Five and a half pages.

_TOBY thumps the desk dramatically._

**TOBY**  
Two and half to go!

**SAM**  
We can nail this.

**TOBY**  
Yes, we can!

_They pay little attention as CJ, JOSH and DONNA arrive in the doorway._

**JOSH**  
You guys coming out for drinks?

**SAM**  
We're not done here.

**CJ**  
Is it something important?

**TOBY**  
Not even slightly. [_To SAM_] Four?

**SAM** [_Shaking his head_]  
We need four, it's the bridge into the second section.

**TOBY**  
Damn.

**JOSH**  
Suit yourself.

**CJ**  
We'll be down at the Four Seasons if you want to drop by.

**SAM**  
Yeah.

**TOBY**  
Whatever.

_Neither looks away from the document as the others leave._

**TOBY**  
What about sixteen?

**SAM**  
Oh, I could live without sixteen.

**TOBY** [_Expansively_]  
Well, cut it out, by God!

_SAM grabs a pen and scribbles furiously._

CUT TO:  
INT. HOTEL ROOM  
_ABBEY is sitting on the bed. She reads a few pages of a report and then drops it in disgust._

_There is a knock on the door._

**ABBEY** [_Snappish_]  
What?

_A young AIDE cautiously pokes her head in._

**AIDE**  
Ma'am? There should be, uh, a fax coming through for you.

**ABBEY** [_Frowning_]  
From the organisers?

**AIDE**  
From the White House.

_She quickly flees whilst ABBEY looks at the fax machine across the room with a puzzled frown. The fax makes noises and spits out a piece of paper. ABBEY picks it up and stares at it for a moment. Then she starts to laugh. She moves over to the phone and quickly dials._

**ABBEY** [_Into phone, still amused_]  
Put me through to my husband.

_She holds the paper up to look at it, and the camera closes in. We see it's a photograph of a plate of chocolate brownies, with the words "I Wanted to Say I'm Sorry" hand-written underneath._

**ABBEY** [_Into phone_]  
Hey, babe. How's it going?

_She pulls up her knees under her on the bed, and smiles as she listens to the voice on the other end._

FADE TO BLACK

END


End file.
